Things I learned on my Vacation:
I learned my children all have ADD or ADHD. They can’t sit still for 5 minutes unless they are feeding their faces or sleeping. They lack the ability to amuse themselves. Despite what THEY say I am far from ‘high maintenance’ when compared to them. Oh, and they don’t mean what they say and they go back on their word on a whim. Daughter #3 said I must sit in the back and be seen and not heard for the trip down and back. That’s exactly what I did – although I did relent and drive for 2 hours each way. She did nothing but complain after we got there about how tired she was because she and her father drove the ‘whole long way’ and I did nothing to help. Never mind that it was SHE and not me who decided I would sit in the back and mind my own business, which I did quite successfully, I might add. When she and/or her father were driving like maniacs I didn’t complain or yell or even GASP out loud too much. I prayed. A LOT!!!! I made deals and bargains and such with God as we careened south. If I hadn’t highlighted my hair before we left I’m sure a whole new crop of grays would be glaringly apparent right about now.
I learned that daughter #3 can’t drive without the Mp3 player plugged into the dash and the volume dialed up to 956 decibels, or there abouts. Apparently the car won’t start without the key AND the Mp3 player plugged in.
I learned my children can listen to deafening music, as they drive, but they can’t stand to hear themselves think. Assuming that they actually do think, which I question at this point. I wondered how she would hear a police car or ambulance siren should one be following her. In all fairness though, we did have to drive with the windows down the whole long way because – shockingly enough - her A/C isn’t quite up to par in that car so no windows means no air whatsoever. The mancub and I sat in the back, windblown and sweaty and said little. No surprise there. The mancub wouldn’t have said anything if the backseat was on fire and his clothes right along with it. He slept a lot which is no wonder really. I drifted in and out of slumber. I fought hard against the wind to try and keep my eyes open and read my book but it was an uphill battle all the way and when I was weary from the effort I would take a nap. You do what you have to – to survive, eh?
I learned that ‘Experience is the best teacher’ does NOT apply to your offsprings’ driving skills. Daughter #2 drives like Janet Guthrie in the 1/4 mile turn at the Indianapolis 500 – ALL the time. The ex and I are still nursing semi-severe cases of whiplash at the hands of her ‘driving skills’ and I use THAT term very loosely. Somewhere back in the far reaches of my addled brain I recall teaching her how to drive successfully enough that she procured a drivers license from the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. If they could see her now. WOW!!!! They’d yank her driving privileges in a New York minute. She gets behind the wheel and it’s like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Some crazed fiend takes over and she drives like a cabby hunting for a cross town fare at La Guardia during rush hour.
I learned that taking 5 people out of their natural habitat and plunking them down in a hotel room is asking for trouble. Their faults are magnified exponentially and they basically have NO redeeming qualities in a single room. My kids turn the TV on and magically hone in on that same 956 decibel volume level as the Mp3 player. I think the hotel clerk in the lobby 3 floors away could hear what they were watching on the TV – 24/7. No sense turning it off when we go out or go to sleep. The electricity is included!!!! Never mind about being environmentally responsible and saving our resources. Run the electricity night and day and day and night. It was like an ‘eternal flame’ memorial for the founder of television.
I learned that 2 men, OK, a man and a mancub, which is a man and a half, cannot be trusted in a hotel room where A/C controls are within reach. We would leave the room to go out and have to scrape the mirrors with the ice scraper retrieved from under the front passengers car seat when we returned. It was so cold in that room you could hang meat! I would turn it up and they would turn it down an extra 5 degrees to make up for the time the room temp. was near normal. I would turn it up when I went to bed and the mancub would lay awake till I fell asleep and proceed to turn it down to tundra-like temps. When I would wake up in the morning I had no idea what the weather was like outside. I couldn’t see past the frost on the window but I could see my own breath!!!!
I learned it’s near impossible to keep your eyes open to read a book while barrelling down the interstate at 70mph with the windows down.
I learned that testosterone is to blame for individual A/C units and the urge to fiddle with them is caused by the same. It’s also to blame for elevators and a man’s need to push each and every floor button whenever he exits the lift. This is done with a snicker, a high five, and a smug self-satisfied look.
I learned that testosterone will cause the indiscriminate use of a remote control in a hotel room small enough that you can reach the TV controls from the bathroom. A word of advice, get into the room first and remove one battery from the remote. That same testosterone will prevent him from going to the front desk and asking for a new battery. To testosterone, that is akin to asking for directions. It’s NEVER done. Tell him if he wants to ’surf’ to hit the beach!!!!!
More Vacation Relevations to come. . . . .(I have to go move a mountain – of LAUNDRY!!!!!)
Tags: Children, Driving, hotels, Revelations, sarcasm, Vacation
